Sunday, November 13, 2016

Doubts, Fear, and being a new kind of American

I'm sure anyone reading this has heard quite enough about the recent election in the US. So, warning here. Stop reading now if you are one of those people trying to shut everyone up about it. This is my space. I won't be shutting up about it here.

I'm devastated about my country. So deeply devastated that, truly, I don't want to go back. I'm going to do everything I can to move to Australia after I finish this travel. I already got the visa. I can't drum up the courage to face Donald Trump and his Republican senate, house, AND court. It feels like Germany circa 1930's. Maybe visiting Auschwitz this year. Maybe the war museum in Ho Chi Minh. Maybe the Louisiana plantations and watching the Netflix documentary 13. The rape case when the guy got off...again. The rape case where she committed suicide. Internet trolling and revenge porn. The school shootings and mall shootings. Trayvon and the many other victims of police brutality and militarization. These guys so rooted in their privilege, they just shoot. Maybe meeting so many people around the world. Maybe my (mostly good but sometimes bad) quality of generally being able to put myself in the shoes of others. Maybe it's everything.
And Trump is the pedestal for it.
I feel personally heartbroken. So, no, sorry. I can't just snap out of it and step up to continue the fight, I'd love to - trust me - but I can't right now. To anyone generally disappointed in me. I am sorry, and please know I'm also disappointed in myself. I will fight again, I promise.

I've always been politically involved in some way. I hated Bush as much as the next Dem. I wasn't a sore loser then. I was bummed but I put up with it and...


continued to push for my candidate the next time around. This isn't participation medals, people, this is real life fear.

I'm proud of being an American because I've always seen it as this land of opportunity. Where being a racist is not okay. Where assaulting women is unacceptable at the very least. Here though, now, being a racist and misogynist aren't deal-breakers for the President...our highest office. They should be. That's the part that hurts. What does that say about us to the world AND ourselves?

My fellow Americans broke my heart. They forced me to see what I already knew deep down...that my country is full of hate. I'm not just another American and I don't want to be. I don't value an American life over any other life. That's wrong. Humans are humans no matter where they are born or immigrate. I don't put the American flag before the peace flag. We all own this planet and if we don't come together and respect each other, we will destroy her. I don't celebrate crushing native populations. Conquesting is a thing of the past, we are all smarter than that now. I don't ignore our history of slavery and the very real way it still effects our society today. I don't accept micro aggressions. I don't tolerate being treated differently based on my gender. I don't watch silently while LGBT+ fight for equality. I don't and I won't silently accept people that do.

Now, I guess, I need to find a way to love my country as a new kind of American. The kind of American who everyday represents America to the world. Who makes up for the mess with honest conversation and the promise of a better future. Can I love her with all this going on? With a man like Donald Trump in charge? I don't know.

Trump supporters are asking why we feel so defeated? Well, because, what can we do now? Preach, protest, cause a fuss, write a letter to a senator. Host a metaphorical sit-in in Facebook. Will any of that make a difference? I'm so scared of where America is going and all I can do is complain about it. So, here I am, a new kind of American, with nothing positive to say.